Change


Going through changes is not an easy task.  Making real change in your life-style means becoming uncomfortable, stepping outside of your comfort zone.  I don’t like it.  I don’t live alone any longer and am having a little trouble adjusting to when I’m not in  a good mood and want to be alone.  I don’t like showing my negative behaviors around others.  It sure is easier to be in a bad mood, when you’re alone.   I would like to crawl into bed and sleep for the next couple of days!

Now, I have to face my bad behaviors because I have people in my house that I have an influence over.  I’m so irritated that I can’t hide!  😀  I actually have to face these things, and face them I must.  Not only face them but face them with new healthy behaviors!  This is where the real change happens.

Today, I hate it!  I realize, however, this is exactly what I need to go through in order for my negative habits to go away and perhaps deal with them in a more positive manner. 

I have eaten poorly in the past 3 days due to my irritation and bad mood.  I must find another avenue, other than food.  Writing today’s blog is one way.

 100lbs down and feeling human again! Although I’m still 65lbs away from reaching my goal weight, I feel great and look forward to feeling amazing! I just returned home from visiting family over the holidays. Traveling at a size 14 is a whole new ballgame then it was 4 years ago when I was a size 28. The last time I flew on an airplane was physically and emotionally draining.  I remember the anxiety I felt walking down the aisle looking for my seat.  I could literally see the looks of judgment and thoughts of: “Please don’t sit next to me.” I was embarrassed when I spilled over in my seat, and when I had to ask for a seat belt extension.  Not being able to put the tray table down was unbearable. This time, I’m happy to report no one even paid attention as I walked down the aisle. I had to tighten the seat belt and had plenty of room for the tray table. I even had extra room on my seat! On the last leg home, I had the middle seat and it was no big deal!

Besides feeling healthier and 100lbs lighter, my medical conditions have greatly improved. Let me paint you a picture of where I was just a few years ago: I was 40 yrs old weighing in at 300lbs. I was diagnosed with type two diabetes (proceeded by insulin resistance), polycystic ovarian syndrome, sleep apnea, acute hypertension, high LDL and dangerously low HDL cholesterols, arthritis in both knees and hips, patella femoral pain syndrome, iron deficiency, asthma, in the high risk category for heart attack and stroke and of course morbid obesity. My doctor put me on all kinds of medication. I was taking around 12 pills a day, using a CPAP machine, an inhaler, nasal spray, and had to inject a shot of medication into my stomach twice daily! Can we say “out of control?!”

How did I let myself get to over 300lbs? What happened!? How could I solve this issue for good? I would hear things like: “Just stop eating so much. Eat non-fat foods only. Count calories or points. Eat our food. Ever thought of surgery? All you need is ‘my’ program or video…” You get the picture. I’ve tried it all, except for the surgery. The diet programs would work to lose some weight but I would eventually gain it back plus some. I was never able to stick to an exercise program because it wasn’t for the obese or I would push myself so hard into injury. There was a period of about 6 months I went through physical therapy for my right knee due to using the leg machines incorrectly.

Either way, diet or exercise got me frustrated and as always I would give up. About 3 years ago when I started injecting medicine for my diabetes I began to lose weight. The side effect for using Byetta was loss of appetite, which resulted in weight loss. I lost about 70lbs in 9 months. From there I got into a relationship where I stopped focusing on my health. I wasn’t anywhere near my goal weight but I looked and felt better. Slowly I began to gain weight and before I knew it a year later I gained 55lbs back. Seriously, again?!? TIME OUT! I’m not doing this again, no way, not this time!

What do I have to do to make this a lifetime lifestyle that is natural and not a chore?  Have you ever googled the word healthy? It showed 189,000,000 results. Holy Cow!? How was I going to figure out what was right for me? I needed help and not with just diet and exercise. It became painfully clear I had emotional and mental ties to food and my health in general. I knew I needed knowledgeable guidance and accountability. I decided to Google, ‘personal trainer health and fitness in San Diego’. That’s where I found Tru Health and Wellness. I was intrigued by what I read because it not only talked about exercise and nutrition by metabolic typing but the emotional and mental side of it too. I took a few days to really think and pray about this as I knew this wasn’t in my budget. I finally decided to make my health a priority and invest in me. Besides, how much money was I spending on all the doctor visits, blood work, and medications? I had no idea what to expect and admit I was completely terrified to walk in for my consultation. Did I have too many medical and physical problems, would they understand obesity and all that it comes with are they really going to be able to put an individual program to fit my needs? Yes, beyond my expectations!

This journey has not been without struggles, setbacks and pain (both physical & emotional.) It took a while for me to truly trust my trainer especially when it came to looking at the emotional, mental and spiritual side of this journey. However in order for me to achieve a lifetime lifestyle of true overall health and wellness in all areas I had to face certain aspects of my life. I couldn’t have gotten this far without my trainer guiding and walking through this with me, always being in my corner and never letting me give up. The success so far has been both learning how to not give up during the setbacks, struggles and pain, but also finding new and healthier ways to deal with problems. For the first time I feel confident I will not gain it all back again because the habits I’m forming are becoming natural. On my visit home, a family member asked me if it was ok to eat fries in front of me. I responded with of course it’s ok. I didn’t order the fries because I can’t have them; it was because I didn’t want them. My food choices today are based on what I’m craving and what I want to eat. It just happens to be 90% of the time they are healthy choices now. Eating healthy is finally not a chore.

My medical issues today? Well, my last visit to the doctor showed for the whole year of 2009 my LDL has been below normal range and my HDL is reaching normal, my blood glucose levels have been below the diabetic range (technically I‘m not diabetic anymore), I’m not taking any more shots, my sleep apnea has greatly lessened and will not need my CPAP machine very soon, my knee pains have lessened, I only take about ½ of the medications, and the best news is that in one year I have decreased my risk of heart attack and stroke by almost 60%!

I had several personal goals and reasons for doing this 20 day master cleanse in each area of physical, mental, emotional & spiritual.  I achieved and learned much in each of these categories.

Let’s start with The Physical:

  • I lost 18 1/2 lbs and 10 inches total by day 20 (If I gain anything back due to eating again, it should only be a couple as I’m continuing to eat healthy & take in less than I’m expending in exercise)
  • My tongue is a very pretty pink color (no white film indicates the detox worked)
  • My skin is so soft
  • I have very little if any inflammation in my body
  • I feel ‘clean’ inside; the detox worked
  • I’m only craving healthy & nutritious foods
  • My energy level feels great and higher, as long as I get the proper amount of sleep
  • My knees feel normal, I can bend them with zero swelling (unless I stand or walk too long…inflammation is still an issue but not as bad as prior to the cleanse) For those who don’t know I have Patella Femoral Pain Syndrome & Arthritis in my knees/hips
  • I’m a type 2 diabetic who does not take insulin, when checked, my bs numbers where below 100 most of the time
  • I seem to be wanting to drink water more (prior to cleanse I never thought about it therefore a difficult thing for me to to accomplish)
  • The other physical benefits I won’t know until I get the blood work done through my doctor in August. 

Coming off the cleanse experience:  I really liked squeezing my own oranges for the OJ 🙂 !  All I had on Friday was the fresh OJ.  It certainly acted like a diuretic so I’m sure on Friday I lost at least the other 1/2 lb to be at a 19lb loss.  Saturday morning I had OJ again and began cutting and preparing all the veggies for my vegetable soup.  I’ve never made it before so this was a first for me.  I didn’t follow a specific recipe but looked at many and took what I liked from various ones to make up my own.  Basically here’s what I did to make the soup…

Ingredients:  All fresh from Henry’s and a lot of it was organic.  This is off the top of my head, I may be missing some of the ingredients.  My camera is not working or I’d take a picture of it.  It came out great and I loved it!

  • Organic Leeks
  • Sweet Onion
  • Red & Green Peppers
  • Minced Garlic
  • Organic Celery
  • Plum Tomatoes
  • Organic Zucchini
  • Organic Crimini Button Mushrooms
  • Carrots
  • Spinach
  • Green Beans
  • Sweet Corn cut from the Cob
  • Small White Potatoes
  • Parsley 
  • Organic Low Sodium Veggie Bullion Cubes
  • Distilled Water
  • Olive Oil
  • Veggie Mix of Organic Dried Barely, Lentils, Split Green & Yellow Peas
  • Sea Salt & Pepper

I sauteed the Leeks, Onions, garlic first with some olive oil in the pot for about 7 to 8 minutes, then slowly added the other veggies except spinach and parsley.  In the mean time I dissolved the Bullion Cubes in hot water.  When the veggies were becoming soft I added the veggie broth and distilled water as needed.  When it came to a boil I began adding dried mix of beans/peas then the spinach & parsley.   Let simmer for an hour or so, adding more water or broth when needed.  I kept trying the broth for flavor.  Adding the salt & pepper to taste.  Loved it!

I was able to eat some of the broth by 11:00am and then have the full on soup with the soft veggies by 2:00pm!  Had another bowl of soup later around 6:00 or so.  My system took it very well.  No problems.

Sunday I woke up and had the last of my freshly squeezed OJ and some honeydew melon a nectarine and a few grapes.  It was heaven!  I had fruit and soup most of the day.  Last night I tried my first raw salad with some oil & vinegar.  It was very good.

Today so far I’ve had some fruit salad with strawberries, blueberries, cantaloupe, grapes and nectarine!  Had a snack bag size of unsalted roasted and raw cashews, almonds, peanuts, pistachio, hazelnut & filberts with a little raw shaved coconut!  Been munching on that most of the day.  Had a salad just now with balsamic vinaigrette.  I think I ate too much salad as I became full.  I also put too much of the balsamic on it.  I will scale that back next salad.  I haven’t felt full in 24 days!  Opps…I’m learning.  I even used a smaller bowl than before the cleanse.  Guess still too much. 

In an upcoming post I’ll share the emotional & mental aspect of what I went through and learned during this cleanse.  This is the harder post to write as I seem to have had the most benefits in this area.  I want to be able to articulate what I’ve learned as the emotional eater that I am!

I have had a very busy 3 days and have not had much time to correspond let alone get onto the Internet.  I’m in the middle of day 9 today whoohoo!   I’m so happy that I’ve been able to do this.  I still feel pretty good!  I have not done the Salt Water Internal Bath yet as I haven’t had the opportunity yet.  Hopefully soon! 

The benefits I was looking for are definitely coming to the surface.  I feel cleaner, my skin is very soft although my hands are dry these days.  I’m beginning to see food differently as I’m sacrificing it.  I’m having to face my ‘out of control feelings’  I have.  I turn to food when happy, sad, angry…pick a feeling and I’ll incorporate food into it somehow!   Being on this cleanse I’ve had to deal with issues in completely different ways, which can be painful.  At times I’m floundering as to how to deal with the emotions that come up.  The one thing I’m not doing is turning to food due the this cleanse.   This is a first step for me to break this emotional attachment I have.   I have a feeling I’ll need to do this cleanse for various times and reasons for the next couple of years.  I have heightened awareness of EVERYTHING around me, not just food. 

On Friday I had a retirement luncheon to attend.  It was at a Mexican restaurant and while the food smelled good, I really didn’t want it as I am committed to this time of cleansing and fasting.  The three gals at my table asked me why I wasn’t eating and admired the cleanse I was doing, said they should do the same thing. 

My committment to this cleanse seemed to have inspired two people in my office to want to join me!  They are doing it for various reasons and said they would both start it on Saturday!  I am curious to see if they did when I see them tomorrow at work!  They both committed to the minimum of 10days.  They both wanted to be off of it by the July 4th festivities! 

I attended a wedding yesterday 5 hours away.  We did the trip in one day!  I packed up my tumblers and away we went!  The driving there and back (10+ hours in the car) were fine, even when the girls got fast food and ate it in the car.  What was difficult was all the amazing looking food at the wedding!  All the food was pretty healthy and gourmet!  It smelled so good and I felt so awkward during the time of mingling when all I had was my tumbler of lemonade!  Most people didn’t notice or care except for the group at my table when we had dinner later in the evening.  I craved and wanted every bit of it!  Yesterday was the hardest time I’ve had sitting through an event so far.  I believe some of it came from not being able to share fully in the days activities of this joyful occasion.  Also, I LOVE to cook and create dishes.  Looking at and smelling the food was not satisfying enough to figure out the flavors and ingredients so I can recreate it at home.  The tri-tip looked amazing, the grilled shrimp was marinated and smelled so flavorful as well as the grilled asparagus and zucchini.  Rosemary was a part of the smalled red potatoes too.  Oh and the stuffed mushrooms my girls gagged on!  Hahaha!  I really wanted to try that because I’m sure I would have appreciated them and enjoyed the flavors of that!

Grilled_asparagus             Stuffed-mushroom-caps         Shrimp_003    Tri-Tip-Steaks-0018

Nachos-cheeseNow that the smell of my co-workers Cheese Nachos has subsided a bit, I can breath again!! Whew!

Wow, being on this cleansing fast the aromas of food has become quite interesting to me in the way I react now vice prior to the cleanse.  Some of it is surprising while some… not so much.

For the most part folks at work are supportive.  I get asked daily by someone how I’m doing.  Today my co-worker who sits across from me (incidentally who’s been playfully teasing me for the past 6 months about the “rabbit” food that I eat) asked me if it would bother me that he eat cheese nachos at his desk.  At first I thought he was just warning and teasing me about not being able to eat while I’m on the cleanse.  He was actually being serious and considerate!  If I had said no, he wouldn’t have.  So sweet!   I said I didn’t mind.  After all isn’t part of the process for this cleanse to look at food differently?  The thought about it was so appealing to me though…doesn’t it look GREAT!   Ahhhh!

At first it smelled SO…..DAMN….. GOOD, I must say.  However, as time went by the aroma started to break down into the parts of what I was really smelling.  What I mean is that as a whole I wanted those nachos, but when I started to really smell the components of it, I didn’t.  Processed fake cheese?  NO!  All that corn and crap cheese sitting in the pit of my stomach like a rock?!  NO!  That’s what I’m trying to detox out of my body right?  Not that I ate nacho cheese often because I didn’t.   I definitely didn’t want to put that into my body after that thought.  The smell became less desirable too!  

Whoohoo!  I think the process is working!  I’m learning to change the relationship with food!  Even now as I’m writing and looking at the picture of the nachos, albeit it still looks good, I don’t want it!  🙂

I’ve been so busy packing to get ready for this move.  I’ll be off-line for the next few days or so.  Here are some random thoughts I’ve had over the last week.

  • Felt so low on Tuesday in the ‘Hope Department’ when it came to becoming healthy – Thank God for great trainers and counselors!
  • Tennis Balls are worse pain then foam rollers by the way!!!  I bought pink ones to donate some of the proceeds for breast cancer and because they have the word Hope written on them!
  • I’ve eaten Ice Cream (Ben & Jerry’s Cake Batter) 3 times this week  – Yep, still an emotional eater!
  • I’ve thrown out & given away more things in this move than I ever have when moving!  Feels really good!
  • I’ll be writing some letters to my dad, that I will not send.
  • I want the plan for my life spelled out for me nice and neat like, so I can follow it – It’s not available.
  • I can’t find my Blood Glucose Meter in this move mess.
  • My two cats have been oddly calm through all the chaos around them.  I can learn from that!
  • It’s been interesting the things I’ve deemed essential to take to my friends house vs. the things going into storage.  It’s all in perspective. 
  • I really miss swimming and sweating when I exercise! 
  • Everything happening in my life is NOT random and all has a purpose and plan for becoming a better woman.  I have a lot of real work to do.  I can see the puzzle pieces fitting.  God’s hand is ALL OVER this, which comforts me so!
  • I’ve been icing, wrapping, rolling (foam & tennis ball), resting, elevating, tiger balm-ing and paying close attention to the movements in my knees!  They are shot right now…imagine if I didn’t do all of the above.

I’m suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.  I know feeling uncomfortable means growth and that leads to change.  I am not physically feeling uncomfortable but rather uncomfortable emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I had a great counseling session last night.   I shared some personal growth for the week, which happened yesterday.  I had no guilt taking yesterday off from work to take care of myself.  I needed a day to get things done around my place like laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, getting more boxes for moving, food for the kitties and a couple of more things!  Usually I would feel quite guilty to take a day off from work do things I was unable to keep up with at home.   I started out my day early at Target.  The new Target across the street from me has a Starbucks inside.  I don’t drink coffee anymore on a regular basis so when I do have some, it’s such a nice treat!  I sat there for 1/2 an hour just watching people, listening to the sounds, the conversations of others and drinking my awesome tasting coffee.  It was great  just to be!  I haven’t done that in a long time, which I must find more time for in the near future!  Great victory that I didn’t feel guilty the WHOLE day, not just for 5 minutes or 5 hours but the whole day!  I took care of me.

Ok, so why am I uncomfortable today?  After I shared some personal growth with my counselor I started talking about the fact that I’m a bit overwhelmed with moving in less than three weeks as well as a huge possibility of losing my job in at the end of the summer.  I’m moving into a house with a very close friend of mine.  I’m very grateful that I  have somewhere to go, that I’ll be in a house and not an apartment anymore, that I get to live with a friend of mine, that I will have more financial freedom with a significant drop in rent, that I’ll be able to pay off some debt,  that I’ll have somewhere to live and not out on the streets if I don’t have another job lined up by Sept (in this economy, I’m really scared I won’t).  However, I must say that although I’m deeply grateful, I’m not as excited as she is.  Instead I’m feeling  a lot of loss around the whole thing.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been somewhat down and struggling some with my eating and exercise.   As we were talking I said something, which I’m going to keep to myself for now but it had to do with me being a sensitive person.  Well, as we dug deeper it hit a root of something that has been “normal” for me since childhood and realized the rest of the world doesn’t necessarily see it that way.  I’ve been reacting to people and situations in a way that’s been causing anxiety in my life.   Most of my life this was a reason for me to emotionally eat and now seeing it from a different perspective is uncomfortable for me. 

I’ve been very quiet today and expect to be really reflecting on this for many days to come.  Make no mistake, it’s uncomfortable but is a necessary thing.  It’s all good!

I just got back from a 6.8 mile bike ride in my neighborhood!  It felt great to just ride around.  I’m going to miss this place.  I’ve lived here for the last 10 years!  I’ll have to find some new places to explore for walking and bike riding in the new area I’ll be moving too.  🙂  

I’ve had a great eating day, since I was finally able to get to the store yesterday.   I feel good physically today 🙂

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